September marks the changing of the guard around here. And with the start of the new school year comes that bittersweet transition from full-time mom into full-time… ME? (Thoughts and prayers for my husband, friends. I can’t even handle “full-time me” most days).
As a recently diagnosed Enneagram 3 (and recovering overachiever)— living into my ME-ness feels uncomfortable on my best days (excruciating on my worst). How much easier it would be to just keep on spinning those plates and juggling those balls instead of wracking my brain trying to figure out how to live an authentic life? Ain’t nobody got time for that, people! IT’S TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS!!! And while we’re at it, please pay no attention to that man behind the curtain…
But you know how once you “see” something you just can’t make yourself “unsee” it? Well, that’s where I am, friends. Knee-deep in the muck and mire of the carefully curated false self I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting and projecting. And I’m kinda feeling a little twitchy about staying on this ride.
So I started this month with a promise to myself. A promise to stop shape-shifting into whatever the world (or my bank account) wants me to be, in order to start exploring who I actually am. But man. Be authentically ME? Live in that space every day? Let go of that deep visceral need to achieve, produce and perform? What the heck would that even look like?
A lot like this painting, it turns out. Because if I stop focusing on the outcome of my efforts for just a hot second and ask myself what it is that makes me feel alive, the answer is and has always been a very simple one: Creating.
I want to make things. Always and forever. Plain and simple.
So I’m going to do more of that.
And while I have no idea where I’ll end up, I’ve decided that for once in my life that’s okay.
I’m beginning anyway.